• Daniélle A.

10 Things I Hate About Online Dating Sites



I'm gonna be honest with you. Though I greatly enjoy independence and having fun, the biggest reason I stayed single for so long before my last serious relationship is because dating sucks--when you're a black woman. From creepy, fetishistic guys ("I love chocolate girls! They're freaks~😜") to closet racists ("It's just my preference!"), it's slim pickings. And I do mean slim.


Here are 10 of my biggest eye roll-inducing online dating peeves.

  1. The black guys who think it's okay to disparage black women by stating, "Not looking for black women with attitudes/hoodrats" or "Light/dark skins only." Thanks for that. I now know that you're an asshole who subscribes to misogynoir. *rolls eyes and swipes past ya*

  2. The supposedly sophisticated matching algorithms these sites boast. I dunno, but a 90% match with a Republican guy who "strongly prefers to date within his own race" and "thinks that interracial marriage is a bad idea"? (And yes, the rest of his bio and answers were just as awful.) Far be it from me to question the intelligence of the almighty algorithm, but it's gonna be a "no" from me, dawg.

  3. Getting messages from men in other countries in spite of having a location preference set. I've gotten messages from guys in London, England and Kingston, Jamaica. Just how, sway?! And more importantly, why?

  4. Getting messages from men WAY older than your specified maximum age. Different strokes for different folks, but that's a hard pass for me, personally.

  5. The non-black men who think that using AAVE is their ticket to Smashtown. (Hint: It's not.)

  6. The finance and law professionals who assume that if you're not making six figures, you're lazy and just want a sugar daddy. You have no idea how many profiles have the lines "[You] Must make actual money" and "Not looking to be a sugar daddy" together in one paragraph. It's a real SMH moment when you get to the bottom of a pretty great-sounding bio and see that there. It's off-putting and quite frankly, just makes you look like an elitist jerk.

  7. The guys who act like black women should be grateful that they even sent our black selves a message in the first place (Heavy on the sarcasm, barkeep). The messages I've gotten mentioned how they "usually didn't go for black women," but how they'd give me a shot because I "seem so intelligent" or "attractive." One guy wrote to me, "You're okay, though! You seem really mild-mannered! 😃" (1. LOL he knows naught of whom he speaks. 2. "Mild-mannered"? TF am I? Clark Kent?) Though this has only happened to me three times, this is one experience I've heard from a plethora of other black women on Facebook. Shockingly enough, Crapbucket Men Who Do This, black women really don't feel inclined to pursue a conversation with you after being subtly degraded with backhanded compliments.

  8. Constantly being asked weird questions about if we're down to "swirl" (or whatever other interracial dating term) by white guys and non-black MOC. How about leaving the fetish-y terms out of it and just being decent, respectful human beings? Yeesh.

  9. Every other profile being an "adventurous, spontaneous" guy who works out six days a week, loves clean eating, hiking, fishing, camping, craft beer, music festivals, is always down for clubs and bar hopping who's "looking for a workout buddy and possible soulmate." I don't doubt that there are men who really are like that, but the similarity of these profiles is a little weird. Especially when you're not the clean-eating, workout buddy type.

  10. Seeing dating statistics such as OkCupid's research on the most desired demographics say that you're the bottom of the barrel. I'd be a liar if I said those stats didn't sting a little. Luckily, I love me. A lot. So, I'm good.

But oddly enough, I have to say that I've gotten something out of these experiences. I can clearly see that I've grown up a lot in the past two years. Believe it or not, 22-year-old me used to really take the negative, insipid things random online dating app strangers said to heart and feel bad about it. Yeah, not this lady. 24-year-old me is quite happy with chilling, going with the flow as I see fit, and not engaging with men whose personalities don't mesh with mine. (Ain't nobody got time for tomfoolery!)

And while the online dating world on the whole may not like or respect women who look like me, I do. Why shouldn't I? We're cool people.


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